This dream, which I had last night, was about sex, but it was also about God, and about the place of both in my life. It was one of those dreams I occasionally wake from where I felt a special kind of warmth or translucence in the dream. It was a dream that felt revelatory.
Göran and I had been making trips out to Utah and staying with my parents while we were out there. On the latest trip, an Attractive Young Friend of mine asked if he could go with us, and we agreed to take him. I enjoyed his companionship and thought it would be pleasant to have him along and also good for him.
The Attractive Young Friend -- it quickly became evident -- was sexually attracted to me, which surprised me because I figured he would think I was too old for him. Every time he and I were alone, he would come on to me physically. But I kept putting him off.
We arrived at my parents' home the day before I had to get busy with some kind of business related to Affirmation (LGBT Mormons, Families & Friends). It was in the early evening and we were relaxing in the living room, and I was working on a jigsaw puzzle with many thousands of pieces. The puzzle consisted of an elaborate, antique map of the world. Underneath the map was a portrayal of the cosmos, including all the various gods. And at the center of the portrayal of the cosmos and the gods was a portrayal of Christ at the last supper. I had assembled this jigsaw puzzle before, but it had been disassembled and put back into the box, and I was reassembling it. Others were watching as I assembled it. I was startled by how quickly and easily I was finding the right pieces and putting them together. I assumed that it was because I had done this before and I was familiar with the puzzle. Others also commented on how surprised they were that I was assembling it so quickly and easily. At one point, a friend of mine tapped me on the shoulder and showed me that he had been helping me assemble the puzzle. This friend was tall and wore a black suit and tie, a bright white shirt and was surrounded by light. There were beams of white light beaming from behind his hair. I noticed that he had assembled all the pieces of the puzzle portraying Jesus at the Last Supper. I thanked him for helping me, and carefully moved that section of the puzzle to its proper place, fitting it in and completing the puzzle. After that, everyone retired.
The next morning I arose early, before anyone else was awake. I had some errand I needed to take care of before a busy day of errands was to start. I was still naked, having arisen from bed. I walked through the living room area where we had been the night before, and my Attractive Young Friend was there in a sofa bed my parents had rolled out for him. He had another friend there with him and they had been talking. His other friend was thin, of small stature and a redhead. As soon as my Attractive Young Friend saw me enter the room, he nodded at this other friend, and his other friend got up and hurried out of the room leaving us alone. My Attractive Young Friend asked me to come close and sit next to him on the bed, which I did. He then proceeded to pull me under the covers with him. I noticed he was naked under the covers, and I was still naked, and he clearly wanted to have sex with me. I was very tempted. It felt very good for our naked bodies to be pressed up against each other, and I became aroused. But I resisted and pulled myself out from under the covers. I embraced him, with the bed covers between us, and I told him that I loved him very much but we could not do this. He demanded an explanation. He insisted that no one needed to know about us, and that as long as it was just between us, it wouldn't hurt anybody.
I told him: "You know what a terrible liar I am. If I did this, Göran would know just from the way I acted. It would have repercussions and it would have an effect on my relationship with him." I realized the explanation I was giving him was a very worldly explanation. I knew that the real reason I couldn't have sex with him was more spiritual. To be unfaithful to my husband would also make me something I didn't want to be. It would not just hurt Göran; it would make me an unfaithful person.
At the same time, I recognized that my sense of morality in this situation was contingent, an expression of a lower law. Under a higher law, it occurred to me, Göran and I might be selfless enough to share each other with others. Perhaps, I thought, this was an aspect of the higher law revealed by the practice of plural marriage. But I knew that even that being the case, there would be no justification in this situation for me having sex with my Attractive Young Friend, because I would first have to prove my integrity under the lower law before being capable of living any higher law.
As I was pondering this, we heard a door open from the garage. An associate of mine from Affirmation had arrived, and was going to meet me for the work that we had to do later that day. My Attractive Young Friend pushed me away from him. My Affirmation Associate entered a bathroom down the hall and started to take a shower. It was unclear whether he had caught a glimpse of us in the sofa bed. I asked my Attractive Young Friend why he had done that, and he said he didn't want us to be caught together in a compromising situation. I pointed out to him that was a sign he himself knew it was wrong and had a bad conscience about it.*****
This dream was fundamentally about conscience and about making moral decisions. The first thing I was aware of was that this dream revealed to me how moral behavior involves multiple layers (in this case, three layers) of meaning and motivation.
In this case, the most worldly level of moral behavior was the desire not to get caught. A higher/intermediate level involved a desire to be a good person and not to harm others -- especially those we have covenanted to care for. The highest level of moral behavior would involve letting go of ego -- letting go of what we individually want in a situation and being motivated purely by a desire to share and to give of oneself to others. In this case, the dream was certainly about sexual morality. But it was not just about sexual situations. It was also exploring moral principles that apply much more broadly.
The cosmic jigsaw puzzle in my dream was a vital clue to the meaning of the dream. The jigsaw puzzle was a map of the cosmos, including a map of the earth (showing the interrelatedness of all humanity), the gods, and The High God. The portrait of Jesus (as High God) in the puzzle represented him at the Last Supper, the most important symbol of his covenant with us. It is the Last Supper that I, as a Mormon, remember every week I attend Sacrament Meeting at Church. It was the moment when Jesus announced to his disciples his purpose in coming to earth, to die for our sins, and when he asked of us in return to remember him and to keep his commandment to love one another.
The other characters in my dream each symbolized important aspects of the moral discernment process. Göran, and my relationship with Göran, represented the highest commitments and covenants I have made in this life, the commitments and covenants that give meaning and context to the various moral choices I need to make. My "Attractive Young Friend" represented more selfish urges, yearnings and desires that threaten those commitments and covenants.
The "Tiny Redhead" was particularly interesting to me. Had he remained present, he would have deterred the seduction, and he therefore symbolized "conscience." Conscience and consciousness are closely related words. To have a conscience is to remain conscious of the ramifications of our actions. The willing departure of the Tiny Redhead from the Attractive Young Friend represented the departure of conscience or the abdication of conscience in order to give way to lower desires or urges.
The "Affirmation Associate" was a symbol to me of the work I am about as a person of faith right now, and the fact that he took a shower before we could begin our work for the day reminded me of the importance of retaining pure intentions and keeping "clean" in order to do the work God has for me to do.
The "Tall Man in the Suit" who was surrounded by light represented the Holy Spirit. It was significant that I did not piece together the section of the puzzle portraying Jesus Christ by myself. That part of the puzzle was assembled by the Tall Man in the Suit, who then presented it to me and allowed me to put it in its proper place, at the center of the portrayal of the cosmos.
In the dream I was assembling this puzzle in the living room of my parents' home. It was also in the same space -- in the living room -- where I faced a temptation to infidelity, and where I engaged in a moral discernment process about that temptation. My assembling of the jigsaw puzzle and my wrestling with the moral issues related to being sexually unfaithful were the same fundamental activity. Both of them involved "piecing together" my understanding of the nature of life. The fact that this dream took place in my parents' home was a reminder of my place in a larger scheme of things, in a context of family, perhaps my "eternal family" that includes all humanity.
The moral choices we are presented in life, in other words, are opportunities to add another piece to the puzzle, to come closer to making sense of the fundamental meaning at the heart of life.
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